Angels on the sideline/Baffled and Confused…

So I would sum up this weekend as wet, cold, lazy/sick and filled with silver linings and a few laughs. The centerpiece of the weekend was a fundraiser held on Saturday for some family friends who recently lost their husband and father to cancer. I woke up on Saturday feeling a bit down but was quickly able to readdress my priorities once I knew what the day was really about. Perhaps I need more volunteer work in my life in general. I’m still trying to fill gaps I perceive.

On the flip side I know, deep down, I’m going to feel the things I feel until I’m able to completely let go. It just seems right now that I’ve finally, after over a year, really been able to let go of my relationship with Melanie. I mean, she’s gone…no longer even in the area…there’s no chance of that fear-seizing anxiety of seeing her out somewhere. Jane’s a different issue entirely. Mom suggested hypnotherapy. I’ll be honest that I haven’t checked the link she’s sent me. On the surface, I say to myself…I have issues about abandonment…how is a hypnotherapist going to correct that? And it seems like there are so many layers. I mean, I know this world isn’t about me and that I’m merely a bit player in the grand scheme of things. That being said, we try to lead successful lives and if something isn’t working we try to work on it, make it better. If I’m not happy, only I can take the steps to go about fixing it.

I’ve drafted a few letters to J as a sort of catharsis, never with the intent of hitting ‘send.’ My opinion is that I’m almost 34…that I wanted our relationship to live past text messages since we’d seem to have such open, honest conversations in person. But knowing that she no longer is really talking to me (she tried calling but left no message tonight…), I don’t know how much I want to emotionally invest in telling her where my head and heart are at now. I’ve just kind of given up on our friendship right now b/c it feels like that’s what’s been done to me. I’ve been through enough to know that friends come and go and friends need space for different reasons, but she made me feel as if it were o.k. for me to let my guard down. Now the guard is up again. And yet there’s a part of me that still seeks that out – to find that person I can share with again. Yet she was the last of the people I knew that I had years of experience with and had reached that comfort level with.

So much of my life has changed this year and so much is about to change in the year ahead. I just wish I were personally a little more stable for what’s coming next. What’s coming next is very positive and exciting, but whether life changes are positive or negative, it still helps to be on some kind of firm ground when these changes come to pass. Anyway, the holidays are upon us and I think I’m just going to enjoy the next two months. It’s hard not to think too much each day and just stay as healthy (financially, mentally, emotionally and physically) as possible, but I’m gonna try.


~ by kjbox76 on November 16, 2009.

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