Polaroids

I am un-linked.  I mean, I have plenty of connections but I’ve spent a lifetime trying to connect and interchange various parts of them in different ways as my life as marched onward.  As I walked the dog today, I forgot to thank God or the world lifeforce for my daily ritual litany.  Maybe I was too sad.  Maybe too distracted.

Sometimes I worry if I’m not consistent with my ‘Thank You’s’ for my blessings that all of them will wash away.  I’ve learned though that, thankful or not, they can all be taken away.  It’s what you do in the wake of such things that determines whether or not you’re strong enough to survive.

I was told today that I didn’t need somebody but that someone else in her life did.  This has to do with relationships – choosing to end one and start another; or to stay in the one you’re in.  I am not overly passive, nor do I give up easily.  That being said, I don’t fight for things/people/etc where there is no clear-cut way of getting through to them.  It’s never black and white, but sometimes some things are.  I know, without any shadow of a doubt, that I’m better for this girl than the guy she was with.  I know, beyond all belief, I could make her happy and treat her right and wanted to.  I also know the older I get, the older my potential mate becomes.  Due to that fact, and with age, it becomes harder to find someone who isn’t so completely damaged by past relationships.  I’m seeing it more and more – the other person only wants to give half the effort b/c they’re afraid of being hurt again.

I choose to put my cards out on the table b/c I’m not a fan of being hurt, but I’d rather it happened sooner than later.  The more time you invest in something, only to have it blow up in your face, is only inviting miserable, dark times into your life.  Since I’m 34, I realize I only have 2/3’s of a life left to live.  Why would I want to be miserable for any period of it?  I mean, I’m still struggling to make sense of the big picture.  The only way that seems possible is by breaking down all the smaller pictures, or discarding photographs that fail to develop properly.

Some connections fade like those undeveloped negatives.  I’m choosing to see through it and move on.  There’s more film and more memories worth making with those who want to remain in frame.

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~ by kjbox76 on February 6, 2010.

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