Now I Know Why You’ve Been Taken

I shouldn’t let it bother me but it does and I’m trying to wrap my head around WHY it does. It’s so easy to pay lip service to not planning on focusing on anything other than getting a job. To not let anything else take the focus. Yet it’s not as easy to live that line when you’re trying to put your entire life in balance.

I’ve often held on too long to things that were never that healthy to begin with. I feel as if I’m just sitting on this fence with a person and if I were to take a leap off and say, ‘Come with me…’ this person would hesitate and tell me, ‘but you don’t want to jump in as far and as fast as I want you to and I’m not going to take that risk on you.’ I guess it’s so bothersome because I do enjoy my time with her and do miss her when we’re not around and do wish she’d feel as close to me as in those first couple of weeks. However, when I don’t live up to her expectations and try to be rational about why I wanted to go slow, I feel as if we can’t meet a happy medium. She pulls back if I try to hold her and I’m not used to that. I don’t know how to be with her and not feel.

At the same time she’s still not over what she’s felt she lost. While I’m proud of her ability to continually use her writing as catharsis, the fact that she’s still struggling over the loss of that relationship, hurts me. Why? Because I feel used. We can both kiss, we can both be sexual with one another, but when she pulls back from embracing me and then writes out her true feelings, it stings. I know this isn’t her intention and that she isn’t trying to spite me in any way, but again it makes me question why I put myself in the middle of a situation that I’m left feeling crummy about and the girl hasn’t done anything wrong.

I guess I just have to get over it. Maybe I was a catalyst for her to move on and maybe we’ll remain friends from a distance, but something’s missing and we’re still a distance apart…

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~ by kjbox76 on March 25, 2010.

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